There was a time in my life when I felt completely powerless. I was emotionally dependent on my family, friends, lovers and therapists to support me in my vulnerability and to, at times, keep me alive.
When I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, or to self-harm to physically express the pain that I could not verbalise.
The one thing I always knew is that I wanted to be a mother. My daughter Sophia Mary came to me twenty years ago after I survived an overdose and was struggling with suicidal depression.
I remember before she arrived saying to myself “I would so love to be a mother but I’m not sure I could cope with mothering a disabled child.”
Sophia was born with a life-threatening syndrome and multiple disabilities.
After 9 years of Sophia and her sister Jasmine leading me again and again into the depths of the cave of Sophia, Black Goddess of Wisdom, I came to realise just how strong I was.
Then I remember saying to myself “OK, I am strong enough to cope with mothering a physically disabled child but I don’t think I could cope with mothering a child with a neurodevelopmental disorder.”
And then Zac came and not only did I have to find the courage to repeatedly save his life but he has both ASD and ADHD, and I have had to dig beyond deep to find the strength to mother him within the alternate reality in which he dwells.
Now I say to myself: “I can cope. I am strong. Bring it on.”
My personal power comes from surviving deeply personal challenges and from discovering the light of Sophia-Magdalene guiding me through the darkness of them.
No-one can take away my inner-knowing of how strong I am, nor my faith and devotion.
However much people may try to chip away at my armour, I am rock solid at my core. There is nothing negative they can say about me that a shadow part of me hasn’t already thought and been loved into union with my Self.
I can cope. I am strong. Bring it on.
At this 5th Waning Moon-Venus Conjunction, the 5th Gate of Inanna, the Gate of Personal Power, I honour each of you for surviving your own dark night of the soul and for the strength it has brought you.
I see your light and I honour the gifts that your Soul’s sacrifice brings to the world.
May we all light the way together with our own unique gifts, experience, strength, wisdom and faith, for there are many paths that lead to LOVE, except those that project the darkness of fear and ignorance.
I choose to walk the Path of Sophia, of Wisdom, of Light.
Annabel Du Boulay
Priestess of Sophia-Magdalene & Avalon
Founder of The Glastonbury Gnostic Chapel