Crawling into Stoney Littleton Long Barrow, I felt that fear of going back into the darkness rising up in me again. Throughout my life, I have been dragged back into the dark cave of fear, loss and suffering, as I’m sure you also have.
It has usually happened just at the point when I have started to relax and to trust in Life again. From a wounded, fearful place, it has felt like Life was punishing me.
Like I didn’t deserve to ever be happy.
It played into all those negative voices that told me to never trust, to always expect the worst, to never allow myself to truly love someone in case they were taken from me.
But as I met each challenge head-on, I began to realise that I had the strength to survive.
And then I began to wonder whether, instead of punishing me, Life was recognising that I was ready for the next challenge which would take me deeper on my Soul’s journey.
That’s not to say that I don’t feel fear when I find myself crawling back into the dark cave.
When I brought my disabled son home from neonatal intensive care, charged with the responsibility of keeping him alive – literally resuscitating him several times a day – I was terrified at first.
I remember turning to my father and saying: “Dad I can’t do this. What if he dies because I can’t save him?”
My Dad gave me one of his big, bear hugs and replied: “You can and you will because you’re strong and you’ve got to. Just take each day as it comes and you’ll be fine.”
And he was right.
Eight years later, I look back on that time in my life and I know that I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I hadn’t survived that challenge.
I did find the strength. And I kept my son alive.
Although I still feel fear rising when I find myself being pulled back into the darkness, I know now that eventually I will find the strength to survive, even it it doesn’t feel like it initially.
I also have complete trust that Life is leading me on the next stage of my Soul’s journey.
I believe we all have this inner strength but sometimes we need a little help. For those of you who are finding it difficult to feel strong at the moment, reach out to someone who can support you until you do.
You’re always welcome to hang out here too and share your feeling in the comments
With my love and healing prayers to those of you who may be struggling in the dark at this time of Samhain